Laptops. You Just Gotta Show ‘Em Who’s Boss

A commentary for all hard-working bloggers, writers and commentators who have seen their work mangled by a vindictive piece of plastic, silicon and wire powered by electricity.

This is a true story, not 30 mins oldWIN_20180727_19_28_44_Pro

 

 

 

My dear wife is possessed of a particularly truculent machine whose ways are steeped in indolence and malice.

This morning for a reason which in a fit of bare faced effrontery it claimed was an ‘error’ the device refused to print a Word document. As my darling girl had other tasks to attend to and I was in a combative mood (Spring has come far too early for my likingPicture_of_Thomas_Carlyle ) I volunteered to take on the beast.

 

 

The first thing I noticed was it had slithered on to Airplane or Air flight mode which is something I find very annoying and personally cannot see the point of, you seem unable to do anything useful with a laptop while flying about the place. I daresay there are many worthy and experienced folk who can conduct valuable work on their machines while at 10,000 feet in the air. I am not one of them.

Anyway having got rid of that piece of nonsense I expected better of the machine. No, it refused to see the error of its ways. Insisted the printing request was still and ‘error’ and had also planned with the browsers to not to offer any solutions. This was also annoying, whereas IE just comes up with a feeble message about¬† not being to find anything some idiot at Microsoft Edge/ MSN without any concept of the mindset of an average user annoyed and in a hurry has contrived ‘Hmmm….there seems to be something ‘ with the inference this is the users fault rather than Microsoft/MSN. There must be more damage done to machines and blood vessels through this Microsoft/MSN tomfoolery than anything else it has contrived.

Quite naturally as any normal laptop user I had reached the anger-management stage.

Since it was my wife’s machine I shut it off; counted to ten to make sure I had not suffered any brain damage, went to dry the dishes, then switched it back on.

There was an ominous silence, followed by some lurid screen colour which reminded me of runny custard which had become the habitation of a particularly nasty bacteria, and the infuriating message ‘Just a moment’ followed by the whirly thing. I suspect the whirly thing is a device included to mesmerise the user into a lightly passive state in which they cannot use another device to send justifiably abusive messages to the laptop manufacture and of course Microsoft.

I quit the room to do other things, to return to find after at least 5 minutes the whirly thing was still there and the custard had definitely mutated into a toxic slime.

At this stage I did was any well adjusted and mature male would do, I addressed the device in a tone of gathering violence in these words:

“Work. You (redacted) useless piece of (redacted)”¬†

and as I was holding, not wearing one of my light house shoes, struck it lightly (you must take my word for it) on the plastic side of the screen.

At which point on came the Screen Saver and the printer burst into life.

I defy any expert professional or amateur in matters of laptops and their programming to offer any of their technical explanations as to why this worked. Where all honest and hardworking users of laptops know full well:

The evil things respond to anger and are cowardly when confronted by good honest human rage.

sturm_drang3

And some people think computers will take over the world!

I would as soon suggest the UK government knows what it is doing over Brexit.Theresa MayBritish Cabinet…..

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Current Events- The Correct Approach

This is and will continue to be a busy and challenging week for the public in and around the UK. At these testing time, it is essential we display our nation( s) in ‘Best Light’.

Here, therefore, are inspirational and instructive posters:

On addressing a minster of the British Government as to why they are not conducting Brexit negotiations in a mature and sensible manner.

Admonishment

On welcoming home that most beloved of British Heroes, the gallant but unbowed defeated (In this case the English Soccer Team)

Welcoming home

On reading that someone named Kylie Jenner is on their way to being a self-made billionaire:

shoulder-shrug

On hearing that some guy from the USA who resides in Washington DC is on their way to visit the UK

 

Big Raspberry

Big Raspberry

 

Fortunately thanks to the vigilance of Lucy Brazier and thus timely reminder, don’t forget at all times:

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