Laptops. You Just Gotta Show ‘Em Who’s Boss

A commentary for all hard-working bloggers, writers and commentators who have seen their work mangled by a vindictive piece of plastic, silicon and wire powered by electricity.

This is a true story, not 30 mins oldWIN_20180727_19_28_44_Pro

 

 

 

My dear wife is possessed of a particularly truculent machine whose ways are steeped in indolence and malice.

This morning for a reason which in a fit of bare faced effrontery it claimed was an ‘error’ the device refused to print a Word document. As my darling girl had other tasks to attend to and I was in a combative mood (Spring has come far too early for my likingPicture_of_Thomas_Carlyle ) I volunteered to take on the beast.

 

 

The first thing I noticed was it had slithered on to Airplane or Air flight mode which is something I find very annoying and personally cannot see the point of, you seem unable to do anything useful with a laptop while flying about the place. I daresay there are many worthy and experienced folk who can conduct valuable work on their machines while at 10,000 feet in the air. I am not one of them.

Anyway having got rid of that piece of nonsense I expected better of the machine. No, it refused to see the error of its ways. Insisted the printing request was still and ‘error’ and had also planned with the browsers to not to offer any solutions. This was also annoying, whereas IE just comes up with a feeble message aboutย  not being to find anything some idiot at Microsoft Edge/ MSN without any concept of the mindset of an average user annoyed and in a hurry has contrived ‘Hmmm….there seems to be something ‘ with the inference this is the users fault rather than Microsoft/MSN. There must be more damage done to machines and blood vessels through this Microsoft/MSN tomfoolery than anything else it has contrived.

Quite naturally as any normal laptop user I had reached the anger-management stage.

Since it was my wife’s machine I shut it off; counted to ten to make sure I had not suffered any brain damage, went to dry the dishes, then switched it back on.

There was an ominous silence, followed by some lurid screen colour which reminded me of runny custard which had become the habitation of a particularly nasty bacteria, and the infuriating message ‘Just a moment’ followed by the whirly thing. I suspect the whirly thing is a device included to mesmerise the user into a lightly passive state in which they cannot use another device to send justifiably abusive messages to the laptop manufacture and of course Microsoft.

I quit the room to do other things, to return to find after at least 5 minutes the whirly thing was still there and the custard had definitely mutated into a toxic slime.

At this stage I did was any well adjusted and mature male would do, I addressed the device in a tone of gathering violence in these words:

“Work. You (redacted) useless piece of (redacted)”ย 

and as I was holding, not wearing one of my light house shoes, struck it lightly (you must take my word for it) on the plastic side of the screen.

At which point on came the Screen Saver and the printer burst into life.

I defy any expert professional or amateur in matters of laptops and their programming to offer any of their technical explanations as to why this worked. Where all honest and hardworking users of laptops know full well:

The evil things respond to anger and are cowardly when confronted by good honest human rage.

sturm_drang3

And some people think computers will take over the world!

I would as soon suggest the UK government knows what it is doing over Brexit.Theresa MayBritish Cabinet…..

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46 thoughts on “Laptops. You Just Gotta Show ‘Em Who’s Boss

  1. Ha ha! Well, I’m impressed!
    Personally, I tend to take the cajoling, begging tone with the machine (and reserve the annoyed, enraged “I’m ready to chuck the thing out the windah” laments to my long-suffering friends). I am not yet trusting it won’t do some vindictive thing to escalate it’s issues. Computers are such sensitive little things … ๐Ÿ˜‰
    One day I might try the raise-your-voice-and-slipper method. Who knows, maybe it’ll show my laptop whose the boss(ette).
    For today, I’m going to just use it as a sort of “don’t even think about it” tale for my computer to contemplate … ๐Ÿ™‚
    Na’ama

    Liked by 1 person

      1. My laptop is probably reassured by the security gate on my window … ๐Ÿ˜‰
        (The building is in NYC in an area that I adore but that until a few decades ago was on the edge of what was not considered particularly … um … savory). ๐Ÿ™‚
        PS — I do NOT intend to take flight WITH the computer!! I’m not giving up ice-cream, laughs, and cuddles, no matter the computer’s caprice. There are many other computers in the world … ๐Ÿ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

  2. In the techie world it’s what we called “a loose connection” and finding it, that’s where the fun would start. You begin by opening that dreaded housing where they ramjampack all the boards and begin the systematic switch, test, switch, test, then after hours of grinding bore surrounded by spilled Coke and stepped on fries (this usually happened in a McDonalds or a Wendy’s) put the thing back together, announce that it was back on-line and go sit with a coffee at a table to wait for the result as the lunch rush happened. On a lucky day the “repairs” lasted through the lunch rush and we’d be off to the next call. On a not-so-lucky day… back to get soaked with pop, walked over, eyeballed by a frustrated manager and wishing for the 7th ring of hell as a relief… and all for one little loose connection between boards or in a board. My prognosis: you have a loose connection and it will likely manifest itself again. The kicking, shaking and banging doesn’t work as well as it used to on Sherman tanks or Volkswagen Beetles…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is a fair prognosis for the average slave machine in commercial enterprise. However I do happen to know privately own laptops are prone to being inhabited by malignant forces who lie dormant for many a day waiting to spring ruinous surprises on hapless individuals. It is no use them trying to hide behind mechanical excuses. I’ve seen the Terminator films: Skynet is out there.
      As a conclusion, personally I would never think of kicking, banging or shaking a 30 tonne tank.

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      1. Everything has an Achilles’ heel – it’s a matter of finding it, and that’s why the story was written. In Hungary during the revolution housewives threw plates under the tracks of Russian tanks to make them derail and lose their tracks. You just never know…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Very true.
        WWII ‘tankies’ (ie guys fixated with AFVs) go into rapsodies over the German Tiger and Panther tanks and how difficult they were to knock out.
        Then you come across the episode where astute american crew of a very light tank with in terms of tank warfare a ‘pop-gun’ sneaked in around the rear of a much vaunted Tiger Tank and knocked it out by hiting in the very vulnerable engine grill.

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    1. If you’ve struggled with them Simonโ€ฆ.they must be evil!
      The Terminator Films are salutary warnings for us all (Skynet is out there)โ€ฆ.There again Rachael has a very credible explanation too.
      On the upside I managed to create something on GIMP, so there’s hope.

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      1. Maybe, like God of us, we expect too much from our AI creations. After all, look at the kind of geeky brains that put the things together. Factor in the greed that says something that can be made for $20 can certainly be made for $2.00 and add up the results. What is truly amazing is that any of it works at all.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Word’s grammatical error pointing and suggestions are time consuming, indeed. I only use W-2002 because IMO it is the best they ever came up with and it is the least intrusive. I look at the green underline and try to reason why it’s there, then play with it. Usually it’s missing or misplaced punctuation. Also and usually, if I follow the suggestion I do have a better sentence, plus it teaches grammatical discipline, something I was very weak on in my school days (failed English grammar abysmally in my first and only and failed college year!).

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’ll sometimes accept the punctuation…sometimes. Although it’s quite amusing when Grammarly and Microsoft have different opinions on where a comma should be and leave me to adjudicate.
        These days I experiment with grammar.

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      4. I think that we ESL-ers take it as a necessary survival tool and we cannot take it for granted. Instead of saying, “Well, of course” we go… “Ah, that’s what that means…!”

        Liked by 1 person

      5. It’s best to be safe!
        By the way Simon:
        There is ‘Russia Travel Blog’ which seems to ‘like’ my comment (three times) on your ‘Science Fiction Concepts -The Space Age’ Post.
        Spam again? Or am I just being picky?

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      1. Hmph. Tiger Lily would likely either pee on it or throw up on it! Just for spite. Mine is giving me grief these days, though, and I’m likely to have to replace it soon … especially if I throw it, which I’ve been tempted to do more than once! ๐Ÿ’ป

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I keep a spray bottle filled with water next to my chair … that keeps the wild Tiger at bay. ๐Ÿ˜พ As for the laptop … I hate to spend the money, PLUS I hate the thoughts of re-installing software, getting all my tabs & settings just the way I want to, trying to figure out all my passwords and the like. I’m lazy … and cheap! ๐Ÿ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

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