A True History of These Isles Part 2 The Celtic Colonisation

As you will recall from the last seminar we reached the apogee of The Beaker People whitebeakerok…got that out of your system now?

We shall now consider The Celts…

The Celts started to make themselves known in Europe somewhere around about 1000 BC. They might have been making themselves known elsewhere before that or just decided then was a good a time as any to assert an identity.

Although there was enough of Mainland Europe for everybody, there are always those who have to go and keep poking about the place (In more generously inclined circles this is known as The Pioneering Spirit). Some Celtic fishermen who wishing to spice up their usual tall tales reckoned on a clear day whereas they could not see forever they certainly had noticed this big bit of land off on the ocean. News got around and in a short space of time less venturesome but more astute Celts had launched several successful enterprises in the boat making industry.

There are no indications much less records of committees, working parties, focus groups or manifest destinies, so it must be assumed individual groups of Celts simply paddled like mad until they bumped into something. The ones who bumped into sharp rocks jumped into the sea; those who bumped into beaches jumped onto land and those who in their enthusiasm to get out tripped made landfall.

Whereas those who on reaching the Channel Isles decided to quit while they were ahead, others looking for wider horizons, more leg room and somewhere away from seabirds strove onwards.

Upon reaching mainland, having walked up off the beach and shaken sand out of their footwear the first problem Celts encountered were The Beaker People; the latter having been so long away from the mainland that all of their forwarding addresses had been quite lost to Time.

At first there was some concern about what to do with unexpected neighbours. The younger Celts were all for inter-marrying and the sooner the better; their mothers were aghast at what other Celts might think while some fathers loudly voiced ‘Over My Dead Body’, not realising there was no shortage of Beaker men ready to oblige. As both cultures were of the Iron Age there was naturally a lot of resulting unpleasantness.

Why the Celts were triumphant is a matter of much conjecture. It is likely that many natives only have beakers to show off against superior ornate and flashy Celtic metalwork became discouraged and retreated to the farther or even further most area of the Isles to mope and having picked up a bit of celtish write long and mournful poems of days of yore and heroes lost. The only ones who would have stood out against this would have been the Beaker folk around Stonehenge who would have tremendous fun standing about the place smirking and pointing over their shoulders with their thumbs at the edifices. It can thus be conjectured that the advancing Celts who had been smashing up all the native utensils they could find as well as desecrating barrows and other gardening implements would have been foiled in all attempts to pull over the stones and so enabled the Beaker folk to carry on with their retirement plans.

The Celts were no doubt much enthused by the variety of green and pleasant lands they came across, and the soft rolling hills which were very useful if you were on your way home from a long day drinking fermented liquids. For those of a more introspective nature there was a sufficiency of brooding crags without the bother of having neighbours. Those who felt the need to fish for a living or an excuse to get out of civic duties had no end of rivers and a few lakes. The more adventurous were delighted if they went north far enough they found they had a choice of Lowlands, Highlands or as many Islelands as you cared to get wrecked on (which brings us back to the fermented liquids); the only drawback would be the occasional beaker being thrown at you from some unseen quarter.

Those who stuck to the principal of the grass being greener over the next pile of discarded beakers were insufferable in their conceit when they discovered another big piece of land even more out in the sea. Despite their best efforts they could not see The Americas so they had to admit this was far as it got for the present and thus Ireland was invented; which was not how the local Beaker People saw it and this presented something of a challenge to the newly arrived Celts.

This issue was confronted and dealt in this inventive manner. The Celts gave the Beaker People who were probably a bit shorter than the average Celt a role in society. The Celts said they would be allowed to cheer up the countryside by dressing in bright green, sitting upon vegetation or rocks of their choice and hail passing Celts with happy comments that made no sense (unless the passing Celt had been drinking fermented liquids). In addition, each one could fill one beaker with gold and mis-lead the less socially responsible Celts into trying to find it through metrological manifestations and so keep the said Celts from bothering everyone else. As this role developed they were also engaged by exasperated parents of troublesome children into threatening to carry the child off if they (the child) did not behave (though parents were still stuck with the problem of teenage daughters). A further extension of this scheme was to be paid by disgruntled subjects of cranky old rulers, to leap out of hiding tread on the said fellow’s feet then scamper off. Thus the term ‘Leap-On-Yer-Corns’ was originated.

So successful was this innovation that it spread to the larger island under various guises and so the colonisation of the Islands by the Celts was completed.

In the next seminar we will look at the culture of the Celts.

A True History of These Isles-Introduction and Part 1

History of the Isles Part 3 – Celtic Culture

A True History of The Isles Part 4- The Romans (Part I)


20 thoughts on “A True History of These Isles Part 2 The Celtic Colonisation

      1. No so bad thanks. Getting used to post-ref antics. Enjoying Euro 2016 (welsh y’see). And currently a head full of writing ideas. (And I sank three battleships of the WWI Austro-Hungarian Navy over the week-end… err that was through wargaming by the way).
        How’s yourself?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I’ve gradually been getting used to the antics, but I fear the post Eu Britain will not be the bed of roses certain liars claimed it would be. I think there’s a case for taking them to court over what they were spouting out.
        Not bad – I’ve not destroyed any battleships yet!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. That’s all we can do is keep going now. The thing I can’t help feeling is that when you consider what the leave side wanted – I don’t think that anyone has won. Many have lost and I suspect this will make me and many others worse of now and for years to come.

        Liked by 2 people

      4. Yes I can understand that Simon having struggled with raising a family in the 1980s-1990s.
        Irrespective of how this goes and as I said it is far from over it seems the only way is to try and get everyone to work together. If you like spread something of the majority of WordPress writers/bloggers ‘ spirit.
        Since I have been on WP (I think it might be a year), particularly in the past 9-ish months I have never encountered such generosity of humanity, co-operation and goodwill. Even politics and religion are discussed it’s all in a civilised manner.
        In view of all the other antics going on it might not seem much to hang onto, but it’s somewhere where a person can be a measure optimistic about one small corner of the whole.
        Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks!
      Hoping to bring laughs is where my writing usually ends up.
      One of my inspirations is the late Richard Armour and his ‘It All Started With…’ series.
      And also writing as an antidote to the antics of our political classes in the aftermath of the referendum (Though I think they were inspired by The Three Stooges!).
      If I may ask which branch of the erstwhile Celtics to you hark back to. I’m welsh (we once reached America, then forgot where we put it)

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Ron. Too kind.
      I confess I should have advised folk to read either ‘1066 and All That’ or the brilliant ‘It All Started With’ series by Richard Armour (out of publication and maybe a bit pricey but very,very funny).
      Happy 4th to you Ron!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. This is excellent Roger. I love to learn. Very intriguing too !! How are you my friend? I hope life is treating well and that your garden is flourishing. I have been trying to slot in some time for myself. Feeling pretty bogged down. A few hours reading on here with music is key. Sending you so much LOVE !! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Tiffany.
      Thanks very much. (Suggested reading: ‘1066 and All That’ – it’s my inspiration! Along with Richard Armour’s ‘It All Started With’ series)
      I’m ok. Letting the garden have its natural freedom (I like to point out to folk a natural look is best, which gets me out of too much gardening…tee-hee).
      Currently my Writing Muse has come back from holiday and is buzzing about my head and is competing with the bit which says ‘Stuff’ must be done.
      Glad you had a few hours reading +music…always a good plan!
      Take care & best wishes


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s