Today I will lead you through A Rant. There will be asides in italics which will contain explanation or elaborations, therefore the full emotional impact will be diluted, but this is a sacrifice I am only too glad to make in the promulgation of this art. You can of course read the rant in its whole on account of it being in BOLD and then go back to the notes
Clothing with Novelty Slogans: Are you sure about this? (This not only announces the subject but also poses a question of doubt as to the merits of your target while preserving other rhetorical devices for later)
By the frequency that references to trade and trading appear in both factual and fictional works we are left in no doubt that the consumption of goods is part of a functioning society. (A statement which the vast majority of potential readers would be hard pressed to disagree with; true you may well get some responses of disagreement-look at it this way, they’d be ‘interesting’ to read and reinforce your own opposing beliefs-important for a Practitioner of the Rant). Therefore, whereas there is thus nothing wrong with taking part in consumerism (This sort of gravitas might justifiably annoy linguists, philosophers, proof readers and editors but, in the matter A Rant ‘Therefore’s ‘Whereas’ s & ‘Thus’s are always good currency) however most of us have to be somewhat sparing on how much we are able to spend, for we are not all blessed with incomes 50 to a 100 times above the average. (Now note how I managed to appeal to both sides of the political divide and those who couldn’t care less, while adding a censorious subtle note- no ordinary person likes wealthy folk flaunting it). Should we not, therefore, ask ourselves ‘Am I having good, lasting and consistent value for my purchase?’(By planting those speeds of doubt you are appealing to the deeper part of the reader. Giving way to emotions and calling them huckster-fodder with more in their wallets than their heads, is not going to help your cause is it?) (additionally by using the qualifiers Good, Lasting and Consistent you are covering all eventualities)
Consider the T (or Sweat)-shirt with the ‘Statement’. At first glance these may appear to be humorous or iconoclastic, but can the consumer be certain these are having the desired effect? (It is important not to label the object of scorn directly, using such a ploy suggests you do not have stiff conservative opinions while at the same time the matter of doubt is being pressed home). As the wearer walks about in public they run the risk earning the censure of those who are currently for many reasons not inclined to see the humour, and either be labelled in unfavourable terms or in worse cases told something on the subject, thus a jocular, casual choice has rendered the wearer a subject of serious attention, which presumably was not the intention, and money may have thus been wasted (This is a subversive approach. Again not a direct questioning of the choice, but the apparent cautionary raising of concerns). Then there is the thorny problem of consistency. If the wearer displays a statement they feel is humorous, they are in danger of being a hostage to fortune. They may have started out the day in a good mood, but as we all know such hopeful intentions can sour as the day wears on. And a grim expression does jar with such a piece of clothing; maybe leading to smirks of ridicule or whispered remarks of contempt by those just looking for an excuse to denigrate such a clothing choice. (Here the force of argument is increased by placing a fear within the reader, similar to spying someone who is using a high walkway and previously comfortable and yelling at them not to look down, which they will, or try not to- I know it sounds callous, but the Practitioner of The Rant must harden their heart at times)
Then there is the question of the problems posed in the line of socks with such sentiments or in their case logos (And inclusion of another example is important, it indicates you have given this matter much thought). There is the issue of visual accessibility to the statement the wearer wishes to make, for observing this particular area of the body on a casual basis is prone to oversight (indications of practicality always strikes a positive chord). In this case it leads to the necessity of wearing shorts and one has to ask is this some type of marketing ploy; that to display the novelty sock it is necessary to buy shorts? (It is always important at some stage to suggest to the reader they are being manipulated or coerced by the subject of your criticism. In democratic societies this engenders a sense of outrage in the reader and can only serve your cause- it’s no time to be picky about the morality of you influencing them, after all this is A Rant!). Thus in addition to the problems encountered with T-shirts (no need to labour that point, it’s repetition) we should be consider (yes always invite the reader into your circle) if we are not witnessing another of those deft but nonetheless definite attempts to make the consumer part with capital they might wish to invest in other directions, by drawing them into a cycle of purchasing a whole ensemble. (Note that within this phrase there is a melding of the factors of socio-political, consumer economics and fashion-sense, enriching your argument and possibly encouraging your reader to tell people within their social circle but not necessarily with the same priorities). Thus, whereas the consumer may wish to appear as being unconventional, they have become unintentionally wrapped into that cycle by a conventionally charged system that simply sells goods without caring for the long-term viability of customer satisfaction (We have to be honest with ourselves, since all pundits and commentators at some stage rely on a piece of long-winded circumlocution, at this stage it does good in A Rant to include a portion; it suggests we are coming to a conclusion).
Undeniably (the inclusion of an ‘undeniably’ is advisable, this fortifies the impression the writer is looking at the matter from more than one side of the argument) choice and variety for the consumer is to be valued (Goodness!! How fair and reasonable can you appear to get???), however (this is always a good word to use; it lends a cautionary note) it is only fair to ask this final question (a measure of suspense works well. This indicates the writer has maintained a composure throughout, thus dissociating the discourse from the rather vulgar and ridiculous sort of tirade that gives The Rant a bad name). Are the makers, markets and sellers of these products really intent on bring some humour and joviality or are they merely (always include a ‘merely’ by doing so you are adding a measure of denigration of the target and the reader will consider agreeing with you, with a sneer of their own) intent on laying a false impression of individuality to the purchaser (itself a contradiction in terms for a commercial organisation seeking a profit) (one aside is always good value, particularly if phrased in a sardonic and dismissive way)in order that they may have that person part with capital or credit which could be put to a more constructive, satisfying and long-term use? (this sums up the matter by returning to the question originally asked and so it does not count as repetition). In view of the highlighted shortcomings of these products are these not, therefore questions which it does the potential consumer, no harm to ask themselves? (and so having stated your case, you leave the matter with the reader, who by now will be looking sideways at the advert in the journal at their side, wondering if they still have the receipt for that bit of impulse buying they did last week when it a rather frivolous mood, or maybe they should not send that ‘jolly’ birthday gift after all)
So there you are gentlemen. A carefully and constructed rant. Be honest, could you really be sure from which political or cultural side that came from? Yes, well I know it’s literate and some might feel verbose, but when approaching the business of A Rant you should always strive to be above the profane and eschew the use of current urban slang. The former is getting tedious and the latter is s as bad as using Latin; not everyone understands it and in the usage you appear if you are desperately trying to be one of the crowd; Gentlemen if you aspire to The True Rant you must be dismissive of such tawdry business.
I leave you there Gentlemen to consider and proceed.
For those Ladies who have been following, you have, of course my blessings to Print, Copy & Paste or otherwise Share any of this to any menfolk of your acquaintance you feel might benefit from this series.
(PS I will also do work on request; for modest payments of chocolate or gift cards….I never mentioned Integrity as a vital component of the craft)