This post for men to read and consider Dear Ladies I would not dare to advise you on how to rant. Yours are likened to the precision of a predator moving in for the swift and precise kill as opposed to our own masculine all-encompassing storms of outrage. True I have seen some rather skewed offerings by women but since apparently within our constructions there are aspects of the opposite gender I can only assume the writer was being influenced by their male traits. You may of course wish to read this and pass the information onto the male dear to your heart who is prone to rant. The subject is of such depth and import that I have divided the lecture into two parts. This part dealing with the basics and the subsequent part with the construct and delivery of the rant.
Warning: This advice is of no use to those who wish to poison the ether with racism, religious bigotry, denigration of a social group or gender. To begin with concepts espoused herein would be difficult for their febrile minds to grasp. Also as they are prone to spontaneous outbursts that would embarrass even a toddler the requirement of patience is beyond their capacities. If any such categories by some quirk of circumstance are reading this, I would suggest you leave now and take up your time in practicing contortion-like acts with a view to carnal self-gratification.
The Rant- It’s Nature: Of course you have encountered something of monumental injustice, stupidity, intransigence, ridiculousness, frivolity and so forth of which you need to warn the world about and place forth your own correct and solid beliefs, as well as your own infallible solutions. What could be more sensible and, yes indeed, responsible. It is your duty to expose this nonsense for what it is worth with justifiable passion. Quite. However, for your rant to have the impact it deserves some preparation is necessary. So, gentlemen, rein in your passions for a short while, ‘twill be worth the wait.
The Setting: This of course must be the written word. As men we are heavy with our instinct to be the hunter protector, and so are ever alert to possible threats; now women think this as being easily distracted, which we know is an incorrect assumption, but this noble instinct can be a liability when in the full emotional flow of one’s opinions. Children with fingers up noses, cats prowling about legs, or idiots wearing T-shirts emblazoned with inane comments might not be threats per se but they do distract one. NO, far better is the written word.
Preparation of Yourself: Everyone has grown used to the spluttering hand-waving fellow peppering his outbursts with profanities and ‘y’know’s ‘I mean’s, ‘Look!’s or such trivia, and if outdoors apart from frightening a few younger and less experienced pigeons doesn’t amount to much. No, dear sirs you must place yourself in the right frame of mind and carve for yourselves the correct image. Thus consider yourself in the cast of the stern patrician, honed by the passage of years and experience. Witness to the manifold follies of those about you. Stalwart in your reasoned and indefatigable beliefs. Here you are, burdened once more to stride out upon the Stage of Human Discourse and lecture on the matter at hand. Dwell upon this image for at least two days. If someone having mistaken the grave concern upon your face does happen to ask you if you have a case of indigestion do not give way to justifiable annoyance, simply shake your head, smile grimly and thank them for their concern, so you maintain the emotion and the moral high-ground. (see other suitable examples below)
Preparation of The Statement’s Theme: Whereas there is much to be said for a stream of consciousness tirade, this only works well against the true idiot whose home is social media, and the efforts you make tire after a while for there is little challenge in denigrating a troll. And you are out to wake up the world! You should therefore consider not just the What you wish to say; Why you wish to say it and How to say it, but also the inserting of gems of wisdom or profundity. These should always have a style of philosophical granite which will stand the test of any passage of time and the weight of which will lie heavy upon the page. In the case of authors of novels have a notebook at hand to write down those phrases which come to mind . Such as ‘Although this may be a fallible suggestion all the alternatives as far worse’ or ‘The follies of Human Endeavour are manifold. However…..’ These should always be made up. If you use someone else’s you run the risk of having the wrong context, leaving out another part which contradicts your argument, or someone coming along and saying the person you have quoted from changed their mind in later life. Never use Latin quotes, it makes you look like an insufferable smartass who hasn’t the courage of their convictions to put their argument out in plain English, and there is also that contextual problem. The statement should also have a beginning a middle and an end, in that order. This novel approach to a rant will confound the readers, impress those you wish to influence and confound the potential critics who will be quite incapable of dealing with such a logical approach. At no time let your mind wander off topic. Stick to this subject matter, embrace the subject, live it breath it. But do not mutter about it, folk familiar with your habits will become of aware of what you are up to and will try and dissuade you, instead sing, softly solemn, sober or thoughtful snatches of songs.
(I know they’ve been here before, but hey, they’re cheap to hire)
You are now ready to get to the business of the tirade itself. Which we shall consider in the next post