Would be Writers. Learn by others follies and mishaps

So this blogging thing? Are there rules and conventions? Or do you make it up as you go along? At this stage should I be including pictures of puppies, kitten or bear cubs doing cute things, or is that best of specific sites; there again I don’t think I know how to upload such pictures, well not with any degree of confidence. But does that matter, because as there are specific sites dedicated to such events, therefore mayhap I should writing about things that I know best.

Which is…..

How not to be a successful writer. In point of fact how not to be a writer with any sort of profile what so ever. I mean be fayre to you the reader, until now had you even had any idea there were a trilogy of books within the series of The Nearly Not Quite Paladins. ? Of course you haven’t. Why should you? I mean you enter the word ‘Paladin’ and there about 29,100,00 hits likely to come up on a search engine, but they are probably mostly to do with RPG (computer and board) sites and who’d think to enter The Nearly Not Quite Paladins  ? unless we are into the realms of random entries and aspects of synchronicity.

So there is a lesson good reader. Make sure folk know about you and your work.

I will not progress any further on lessons as yet but will return to the initial reason as to why I have created this blog. It is to make the would-be writer feel better about themselves.

Yes there are goodly books which offer fine and worthy advice to the writer starting off. They are written by folk who are successful writers, or folk who are good at sounding as if they are successful writers. But does this really help the fragile individual who emerging from the cocoon of indecision now sits there trembling with still damp and untested wings of ambition? Do they really wish to be blasted by the winds of triumph and whisked off into confusing storms of How What Where and When? Being told that one should toil and sweat with a purpose that puts everything else to one side? That one should not visit that elderly relative anymore when one should be writing? And why are you sitting here reading this when you should be writing! And take over a room in the house! What you live in a one room place? Then hurl out your neighbour! Art must not be stifled!! And by the way don’t expect to have best sellers or books made into films, you must settle for far lesser rewards. ‘Tis a hard world of writing! Expect misery and disappointment!

Would that not make the new writer unsettled and fearful and think that maybe they are not quite up to the task yet and perhaps it would be best if they put it off for another year. And anyway does not that book filled with such sage and weighty advice seem a bit too expensive when success might not be certain?

No, far better for the would-be writer to read of the rather tragically comic soul who by various dream-like schemes and hastily patched together notions made so little progress as to make many of today’s governments seem to be thrusting dynamic houses of progress and rationality. Would you not rather learn by some other person’s mistakes? Would you not feel better by thinking ‘Oh dear (chuckle). What a silly thing to do. If I can see that was just plain stupid. Then maybe there is hope for me in my modest ambitions’

So this is the path we will be taking. I will be telling you all about my own efforts and of those of my acquaintances, and hopefully we will make your journey a less fraught and upsetting one, leading to one or two volumes of your own being knowing by more than just yourself and a few sympathetic relatives or friends.

I shall leave now to learn about SEOs, URLs and stuff like that

Up-date…….. And in the spirit of this blog, in this month of September I have finally found Tags & Categories!! This could be the big-breakthrough….which might spoil the nature of the blog…..Ah me…beset by choices

A Trip Into a Writer’s Head

Firstly apologies to all whose blogs I used to read regularly- you see it’s happened to me, falling in love with My Re-Write…..Explanation to follow-

I really should have attended more to my blog posts, I promised myself I would; surely there are minutes and hours enough for a retired fellow to fit in a post or two in 3.25 days a week, but Ah Me….there was a re-write and as is the case where inevitably the writer becomes very attached to the work AND the urge to finish became overwhelming.

Well the FIRST re-write is done, and naturally there has to be the subsequent one where the tweaks have to be inserted, more of those sneaky typos are winkled out, long sentences ironed out into something which is comprehensible and of course not forgetting continuity.

Now, I don’t know how it is with you, but these days I find my writing mindset separates into three, dare I say identities. This is not quite as alarming as it sounds. This has evolved as a process to make the work more rational and readable; the stream of consciousness approach has to be set aside when writing Fantasy with multiple characters, lest they all get mixed up with each other and are not sure who they are.

Thus there is I, the Writer, the one who comes up with the plots and suchwhich and sort of orbits The World. I think Reality is overrated and an inclined to a singular approach which assumes folk will be more than happy to spend time they would usually devote to crosswords or puzzle games working out just what I am writing about.  The creations are passed onto ME a fellow in touch with both this reality and those of the writing worlds, experience has taught ME that creations need to be unjumbled, set out on the allegorical table and sorted out into a rational set of consequences which will make sense to a reader and provide them with hopefully a satisfying read, and not expect them to work out was I was on about. Then finally standing there with noble fatality and some stern strength of character is THE ARBITER. I am certainly not sure how The ARBITER managed to work into the process, I suspect it was when there was an excess of reading of Advice on how to be published or at least write with a sense of maturity. This makes perfectly good sense to ME; it’s all well and good mumbling about Dada-esque and assuming one will be looked about by future generations as the Frank Zappa or Moondog of the Fantasy genre, but I will be disappointed because it is obvious to ME no one will ever read such stuff, unless I become famous first, which it seems to ME is not going to happen unless I take things seriously. But when I am told that I go all sulky, and it’s left up to ME to sort it out.

It occurs to ME how best to explain the problem is for you Dear Reader to read an imagined phone conversation between ME and THE ARBITER. Consider if you will the style of the Legend that is Bob Newhart- The Narration being carried out by THE ARBITER (who naturally has the final say):

 

ARBITER (to himself): Oh boy. This Patchwork project. The blurbs. They always leave the blurbs up to yours truly.

Phone Rings

ARBITER:  Oh hi there! Thanks for returning the call…Uh-huh….Uh-huh..Uh-huh. Oh that’s OK. Y’know what they say -Half a draft is better than none!….Uh-huh….So what’s he done now? (laughs)… Not speaking to anyone again…Yea, yea. Well they do that y’know. You try and make it a viable and readable book and they just don’t appreciate it…oh I know…My grandfather had the same problem with Gore Vidal! Not that that guy ever wanted to write rom-com. Uh-uh…No that was the good stance for you to take, y’know, I mean who’s going to take Vol 1 of a Fantasy trilogy seriously if the three principal characters ended that volume each with a boyfriend!..Yeh… agreed!.. Who wants to read a re-write Seven Brides For Seven Brothers? (laughs)…And then….Uh-uh.Huh-Uh….Quivering over your alteration to the romance aspect is he?….He asked ‘What’s the character with the wooden leg going to do now?’….and you said…uh-UH!! ‘Well, y’see that might have been a bit harsh of you, because that character doesn’t read as the sort of guy who’d get his kicks that way….BUT, we got three volumes at least, someone else will turn up or he can die heroically with a few wise or ironic words on his lips…..So what else?….Mmm….yeh…..Well he will have to wait. Y’know you’ve got the major re-write to do….No kiddin’ (laugh)…no, no not at you, with you. Yeh, get to this stage and you fall in love with the book. It happens. You want those crowd of crazy kids out there to be read about. He’ll have to wait. Tell you what..I’ll get him a writing pad and tell him to use it and stop looking at Amazon….No problem. That’s what I’m here for….

Puts the Phone down:

ARBITER (to himself)….And there was that gig with Brandon Sanderson, but no, I had to go for the unknown (sighs). Now, blurb or check the launch budget again…..

You will not prosper Evil

Light of Writing 2

Manchester: 22 dead. Maybe 60 injured. This was a concert which would have attracted children. The perpetrator had been consumed by Evil. Only Evil would make this calculation.

Evil which feeds on Hate. Hate which is the spawn of ignorance and intolerance.

All this toxicity thrives in the hot emotions of fury. Anyone who rages against the community this fool came from joins hands with their Brothers and Sisters in Hate; they are being consumed in the sewer. There is no room for this.

Think then on the dead innocents, but think also of those who turned up to offer lifts, help, food and drink, comfort; came from their beds, switched off their taxi metres did what they could to help folk in peril.

Then sit somewhere quiet, think, ponder or pray for the dead, injured their families and friends, for the communities who are now living in dread from the Brothers and Sisters in Hate who will be prowling looking to vomit their bile.

Resolve never to look at a person and because of their community, orientation, religion, politics or whatever and point the finger of judgement and emotion. Smile, hold open a door, if you don’t agree, shrug and say ‘I don’t see it that way,’ help.

We owe it to the thousands of dead, injured and damaged of these past tragic decades.

Friends, Brothers, Sisters, Neighbours. Hold strong. Compassion. Respect and Tolerance

A Sum of Wyrds on Motivations, Inspirations, and Justifications (and probably a bunch of other ‘tions’)

 So this time (sometime in early 2016) I said to myself: ‘OK, you are going to approach this project in a serious, mature and planned approach. You will consider plot, you will reduce the number of words in a sentence, you will make sure the paragraph makes sense, you will watch out for those spelling mistookes that are beyond the capacities of Word Spullchuck. You will learn just what is meant by syntax and do something about it and above all you will read the wise words of the WP bloggers who have books published and sold them.’

To which I replied ‘By crimminy you are write! I will attend accordingly, honour the art, respect the words of other bloggers, and learn. I will place aside money for Editors and professional Covers. I will figure out how best to use Social Media and build up a potential reader base. And have more than one re-write and by sometime in 2017 the First Volume of The Patchwork Warriors will be launched as a sober and sensible venture!’

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I meant it folks, I truly did. As Brandon Sanderson and Joe Abercrombie are my witnesses! The was going to be the start of a series of Serious (with an underlying sardonic humour) Fantasy Novels (Albeit with a lite touch). The target was to reach a THREE figure sales number on Volume One. This was to be a reversal of the previous venture which was Three Volumes with a total combined sales of One.      

 

 

Thus, so it; the work began. Some of you who have been reading this blog for a while will be familiar with announcements, sort of progress reports and extracts all from The Patchwork Warriors. Ah there was in truth, much effort and there were several starts ditched, lots of promising chapters & extracts consigned to Copy & Paste- In A Holding File for Possible Future Use (Useful tip there folks when editing always keep the bits- you never know)

But then, gentle reader, across the great ocean of The Writers’ Muse   came the siren songs of The Anarchical (“chaotic, without order or rule,” from Greek anarkhos “without head or chief”). For they did ride along on Brexit Winds and thus did tempt and so draw me to start upon A True History of The Isles (CurrentlyforsalesonAmazonKindle-termsandconditionsapply). 51vnj7ZqupL__SY346_

Actually this project by my standards was a roaring success, not only was it well received in blog posts so that folk knew about it, but I managed to get it into on book format and upload as a Kindle- now there it looked odd as the chapters did break up but ran into each other. But, BUT to date FOUR! Yes FOUR copies have been sold, and only that but a 5***** review from one Nancy3333!…..Yea team WBH!!!!(well sort of, because it was still sloppy with typos and a few long obtuse sentences).solilqy

Despite this I then forged ahead and by Jan 2017 (or was it Feb?) I had completed the first draft of TPW, and not pausing for breath or even breadth ploughed on with the re-write. In this case not only referring to notes made to ensure continuity but also writing up a diary of the passage of time passing within the narrative (and having to cheat a lot to make all events match up, but you can do that in a Fantasy novel). Yes this would be the big break through By Jove!

Yeah, about that…

The budget for Editing and Cover…without going into ‘family business’ in detail; it’s gone, and quite frankly I would do it all again and again and again without a second thought, just ‘Because’. Hey, Life eh?2nd Dec 15 Blog

But was that a stumbling block? Heavens T’Betsy no! The most important feature of the whole business was to put the story together and to get this out in some sort of form. Its fate would be left to the whims of fortune and circumstance, as usual, and of course now belong to the ages (in so far as the memories of the computers are to be trusted). Thus onwards and ever forwards to completion!!

One facet of this sort of mindset does lead me to a type of free-form which for better or for worse does save me having to worry too much about structure. Some folk will quite rightly make an argument against this approach, and I would not attempt to take issue with them, only to say this is the fate I have chosen for my work. Nor would I urge anyone to make a distinct choice for this option, only to say: ‘It is there’. Working with Fantasy does give me a certain leeway in this, particularly in a world where the conventional laws of physics as we know them are prone to elaborations which none of the characters if they are honest truly grasp. This may seem again like cheating to some, but when you have your time fixed on a multi-volume work there will be other opportunities to sort this out later down the line.

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The question:

But why in the Name of Tolkien do you progress upon such an anarchical path with little hope of success, recognition or return?William Shakespeare

Is a perfectly valid one; if asked by a person who leads Word Press blogs as opposed to the insufferable professional who insists that all authors should idly crawl upon hands and knees on the path of being selected by the correct editors or agents and do as they are told.

The answer if my case is. Because I have created something which is mine; this world has been crafted by my hands; these characters have had live breathed into them, this plot has been fashioned by imagination. This is all my work. This is enough. I need no more.

The last three sentences are the only part which I actually commend as basic advice.

But if you are looking to make a certain level of income or career out of your writing, please dear reader find some other worthier blog

In the meantime, sometime in the possibly late summer will appear ‘The Patchwork Warriors’ as Volume I of ‘The…….. (errr I’ve not worked that bit out yet) or maybe ‘…………….’ as Volume I of ‘The Patchwork Warriors’- I’ll get back to you on that!b85885aa0fd01f0cbebaa2798639b472

Meanwhile keep writing folks….make me proud!

Let’s Talk: Grit as a Writer

On this blog you’ve been told often enough how not to do things….Now here’s how you do it.

Fiction by Rachael Ritchey

Grit. This word keeps popping up all around me lately. The idea has been around a looooong time, but for some reason grit has become the little bell dinging in my ear like a wake up alarm.

What is grit? Well, Merriam-Webster says:

: firmness of mind or spirit :  unyielding courage in the face of hardship or danger

Or dictionary.com

firmnessofcharacter;indomitablespirit;pluck:

Here’s what Angela Lee Duckworth has to say about grit:

Have you ever bought a car and suddenly you see the same exact car everywhere? Well, grit is like that car. It piqued my interest one day, and now I keep hearing it and seeing it everywhere.

Grit, in my mind, is a component of perseverance, defined at dictionary.com:

steadypersistenceinacourseofaction,apurpose,astate,etc.,especiallyinspiteofdifficulties,obstacles,ordiscouragement.

Do we have…

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The Patchwork Warriors…. The Dairy I should have been keeping. (Or how to milk a fallow spell) (or well How dee-doo-doo-Da-Da, this fine day?)

12th May 2017.

If you have been reading this blog for a while you’ll be used to this sort of diversion…..If you are new, don’t worry it’s not you…..It’s me that’s tilted …….

Ah me. Would that the scales of distraction fall from this eye of my mind. Oh to feel the fresh breezes of inspiration upon this torpid soul sunk deep in the mire of this field of lassitude. Dear sweet muses alight upon me and transport me from this place of discordant voices with their bitter and sterile litanies of hate and discord…..trilby

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Oh hi there! Err….. you caught me there in one of my proto-Shakespeare modes. If I had a gloomy stage with view props I would be stalking up and down with a troubled expression, and handful of meaningful pauses, a vocal range from low baritone, and making the audience feel I had a nasty cold to high tenor which would wake them or wonder I had stubbed my toe. I should also have at least one gaze into middle distance.

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Oh no gentle reader, do not take concern or trouble yourself, I am just in between re-righting the re-write.

This has been quite an interesting journey because I reached the stage where the plot lurched sideways in a storm caused by the sudden perception that the book was going to be too long. You see one of the challenges when you are writing fantasy is to see if you can encapsulate at least one major plot, a few sub-plots, say three or four major characters, a dozen or so minor characters at least three separate nations or other notions and a whole world of your making into less than 150,000 words. Not easy y’know, not when you are not an A NAME, or when you’ve NOT been doing all that sensible spade work on various social media sites encouraging folk to look forward to the final book OR working on a cover OR….oh I dunno…whatever mature and focused authors do. Anyway I broke through that barrier, sort of as I commit the possible cardinal sin of fantasy writing and try and fit in a feel-good ending.

(Pause to switch on the lights, illuminating the stage, and kicking away the ostentatiously sparse props)

I mean, what is wrong with a feel-good ending? Don’t we have enough misery and unhappiness out there being force fed to us in a sensational way? Are there not enough folk on both sides of the political divide who are screaming that those opposing (or deemed to be opposing) them should be cast(eth) out into the Darkness, in the name of Free Speech, while not ‘digging’ the fact that they are both actually on the same page?….Oh frib’ now I durn lost m’way with a distraction…..so where wuz I?

Oh yeh. So what was really wrong with ‘The Ridiculous 6’? So the critics didn’t like it, well boo-hooo! I mean I know it’s not High Wit and…..

Errr…???..No..ummm…………….. that wasn’t what I was talking about was it???

Hold on folks, just check that thing on Wikipedia you’ve been meaning to, I’ll be back in a minute or so…..

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Ah-ha, yes! The Feel-Good Factor. That’s what we were talking about wasn’t it? Yes, whereas I tip my hat to the various Giants of Fantasy, is it necessary to have a ripping  good tale without a high body count (ignoring background folk who haven’t got a line much less a name and some of the lesser villains who really don’t deserve a free-ride out). So it’s down to working out the final escape and the reasonably happy end of this episode, and then it’s down to the next re-write, which will have to be the last one too; ‘because I will be safe in the knowledge that no professional critic will ever get to know about the book, which of course will belong to History and to be discovered by later generations- I play the long game. 

(This has been a lesson in one possible strategy in filling up a blog space when you are not really focused but feel you have to say something. AND as always in the keeping of the spirit of this blog, here is another lesson in how you SHOULD NOT be doing things; unless of course you are over 65 and don’t really give a frib’*)

(shameless plugAdverts: Read how to use this* and other alternative words in the upcoming fantasy novel…… THE PATCHWORK WARRIORS…..impress your friends with a whole new range of profanities and odd sayings )

Detachment…?

Here is a post with much food for thought.

the otherhood of one

The clock on the wall keeps ticking, but the hands no longer move…

Because Time no longer motivates me.

Voices argue down the street, louder and louder, but the words no longer mean…

Because language never truly captured or communicated what was real.

Sadness, sorrow, grief wash over me, but tears no longer fall…

Because acceptance of what is, is, and my heart does not resist.

Peace wraps itself around me, as my eyes begin to lose their focus…

Because clarity comes to the Observer, relieved of earthly pleasures.

And I see…

That I am not alone, nor disconnected here from Others; rather we are joined in spirit, thought, and understanding.  Holding “hands” as all we’ve known drops out beneath us.  Free floating in a place without gravity to hold us, without severity to sink us.  Gently holding on to what is real for each of us… in a space…

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Calamity At Corbyn HQ

Be fair folks; Lucy has got this marketing thing all sewn up!!
(And I’m a crusty old socialist!!)

Secret Diary Of PorterGirl

Up and down the country, Tories are rubbing their hands together with glee whilst Labour MPs (increasingly becoming an endangered species) are standing precariously on railway bridges, wondering where it all went wrong. Meanwhile, their brave and fearless leader, Jeremy Corbyn, sits at home cheerfully weaving a basket whilst mumbling incoherently at a papier mache bust of Ken Livingstone. His exasperated wife pops her head round the door.

“Jeremy!”

“Sshh, dear, I am conversing with Ken.” Jeremy looks up from his basket only briefly. “Please excuse Laura, Ken.”

“Jeremy, you’ve been weaving all morning,” says Laura. “Will you at least have a little something to eat?”

“Is there any of my homemade jam left?” inquires Jezza. “Perhaps some jam and scones.”

“That jam has gone off,” Laura replies. “It’ll give you the trots.”

“Oh, but we love the Trots!” Jezza turns to the bust on his desk. “Don’t we, Ken?”

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Grumpy: The New Sensible?….. It’s Time To Take A Stand!

Very well then, let us set the mood:

Pouring Rain

Nothing like a nice grim downpour I always say

Pouring Rain Wrong

 

 

 

Oh My Sainted Aunt!!! There’s always some idiot, see…this is what I’m talking about! Now we’ll have to get to some serious imaging……Right Picture  Ahhh, my ideal holiday home site!!

Anyway…..You know how it goes, you might be feeling unhappy for some reason, you may have a cold which has upgraded itself to a STUPID Cold, and so forth. Anyway you are not feeling sunny AND you switch on the tv or the radio or laptop

There you encounter one, or even worse a clutch of folk grinning as if they’ve had their common sense surgically removed. And is the cause of this unfettered joy? Oh, they’ve all purchased something, or being seemingly free of the normal responsibilities of life such as family or employment have all gaggled together and set off to a sun drenched place where they can all display their perfectly formed teeth to each other.

Stupid…try mePicture_of_Thomas_Carlyle

Or you hope to glean some news items, instead you are confronted by two or more also perfectly formed human beings who appear to find everything funny, especially each other, unless of course you are in time to view a Weather Presenter who presumably is not near any severe weather themselves because they talk about it like it was a spectator sport.

Then while you think your intelligence has been thoroughly insulted sufficiently for one day, you happen across some LifeStyle pundit who explains to you that if think positive (and have made a fortune out of telling other members of the public this), then everything will be fine.

Once you have escaped this onslaught  you encounter people who appear to have been infected by these inane blights. They display symptoms by wearing T-shirts with puerile statements which they think are funny  or insisting in playing badly organised versions of sports in public places, playing loud noises which they think is music, sounding off car horns for no particularly logical reason or if they are too old for these activities gathering in small social herds in supermarkets and chatting away in of the most widely used aisles oblivious to desperate shoppers.

Then there are of course, Personalities and Politicians and Lesser Entertainers who smile for a living by having their ‘fizz-oggs’ plastered over some pointless tome they’ve just had published. And we have Public Holidays or as they are known now National Eat and Drink Too Much Then Act Like an Idiot Day. And there are those who are just plain annoying…

Annoying1  annoyingpeople

(Although admitting to manslaughter the defendants were let off with a caution)

 

It is time dear readers that us normal folk took a stand against these waves of inanity and shallowness and campaigned for the one true and honest holiday National Grumpy Day!

Now the purpose of this holiday is not to be rude or offensive to people in general. It will simply be an affirmation of a person inalienable right to go around normally not having to caper and smirk as if the world was a funny place to be in. People would be entitled to go about with serious and dour expressions, civility will be encouraged, but no smiling! One would be expected to be polite and acknowledge this with a brief nod of the head ‘You’re welcome ‘being the correct response.

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Folk who go about in frivolous manner will expect to have normal people come up to them and say ‘idiot’ then walk off. Anyone who appears on the media with anything less than a grave expression will be criticised, although abuse will be limited to e-mails, txts or tweet with the simple message ‘What’s so damn funny?’. Adverts which suggest anything can be made wonderful and cause for celebration will be banned for that day. DJs will simply give the name of the artist and title of the song, and play the blasted thing. Being intoxicated or otherwise under an influence in public will result in the person or persons being loaded into trucks and driven off to remote and inhospitable terrain, left with sufficient water and bread and told to make their own way back. Comedians will be allowed only to tell sardonic jokes which cause grim laughter and nods of the head. Other entertainers may perform sombre and reflective works, the more castigating folly the better. Book Shops will be asked to respect the holiday by removing from public display those books having covers of grinning celebrities. Supermarkets will remove all magazines.    Your local politician should be lobbied for possible new legal codes against extreme merriment Solution to Frivolityor……  

Gunner Sargeant Hartman

Of course, families can have picnics, but these will be solemn affairs of basic foods and where folk will read out commentaries extoling the virtues of sobriety and frugality, while children will be encouraged to draw pictures or write essays on who they thought was the stupidest person they saw on TV last week and how they plan not grow up like them.

People should visit museums which should ensure there is nothing trendily happy on display. Theme parks will be closed for the day. Staff of fast food outlets will be allowed to wear non-regulation sober clothing, greeting the customer with ‘Yes sir/madam. You may sit down. Your frugality will be with you shortly,’

Marches will be organised in which people will walk slowly and silently bearing banners will slogans such as:

‘Let’s Face It. Reality Is Unavoidable’

‘You Might Think You’re Funny But You’re Not Looking From Where I Am’

‘Too Much Laughter Suggests Tax Avoidance’

‘Being Cheerful Too Often Is Just Asking For Trouble’

‘With This Lot In Charge You’re Still Happy?’

‘Take That Stupid Mask Off!….What Do Mean You’re not Wearing One?’

‘Restrict Public Joviality To Children and Adults With A Valid Permit’

‘Smiling Once in Morning, Afternoon and Night Time is Quite Enough,’

‘Be Grumpy and Avoid Disappointment’

‘If You Don’t Like Today, What Are You Doing Here?’

‘Hurrrrummmpffff!’

‘Be Honest. What Is The Point of New Year’s Celebrations?’

frowning-puritan-CROP (indeed!!)

If your route should take you past a TV or Radio Station, place of Entertainment or the principal building of Civic Administration marchers may break the silence with a minute’s worth of…. 8d8f41c1217d3007621ceda397c48ef6

All participating in the march should sign a solemn and binding pledge that they will refuse to participate in the public celebration of at least two public holidays every year. (Parents of children will be discouraged from selecting Christmas. Do you really want the poor mites being called weird by their peers?).

Finally, anyone planning to be away on National Grumpy Day will be expected to select very, very remote and windswept places guaranteed to upset the socialable noisy set. Right Picture be fair; it’s worth repeating

In conclusion celebrants should not harass quietly happy people who are just getting on with their own lives and keeping themselves to themselves. If these are identified you should approach them, give a stiff little bow and say ‘Thank you for your sense of proportion,’ And above all a celebrant should never criticise a fellow WP blogger whose themes are ones of happiness and determination. These are folk who have found the right balance and when you visit their site you know what to except and in that there is much value; these sites will probably be places where you can rest your tired and media saturated soul. Cherish them.   

manners

As for the rest of the world.Organise now. You obviously know it makes sense

About to Rant

 

Ructions At Downing Street

Now this is what I call marketing!!

Secret Diary Of PorterGirl

Number Ten Downing Street, Theresa May’s private office.

The Prime Minister sits at her desk, a fretful expression upon her pallid features and a crumpled pile of food wrappers from Greggs strewn before her. Her chin is abundant with flaky pastry and bits of sausage. There is a knock at the door. Hastily sweeping the greasy refuse into her top drawer and wiping her mouth on a tailored sleeve, she bids her visitor to enter.

The Right Honourable Jeremy Heywood pokes a troubled face around the door.

“Ah, Cabinet Secretary, do come in!” May offers him her warmest of smiles, which puts him in mind of a vampire on the verge of attack. “Are you quite alright? You look rather unwell. I suppose it is rather chilly for the time of year. Throw some more socialists on the fire, why don’t you.”

“I shall be sure to do that, Prime…

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Polly-Tickle Missage

I really should be concentrating on my writing BUT what with the all the claims, by and arguments for the various groups involved in UK General Election; the USA Presidential Election and the Brexit Referendum I have been thus inspired by their words and antics…whoops..deeds  to take the stage with the launch of the…

UK Socialist Well Not All of Stalinism Was That Bad party.

Stalin

 

Yes, fellow citizens, here we are at the cusp, or edge or launching pad of a great new future and this is your opportunity to embrace the wonderful policies which this new, forward thinking and realistic party has to offer.

Now I know you are all recoiling in horror at the thought of state ownership, invasive state security and the abolition of other political parties but I would ask you to think about this from a positive perspective.

For instance, you are unhappy with your energy supplier, and you complain and they flip you off with some feeble excuse, then you go to the regulatory body charged with their oversight and they don’t help, so you have to find who next to complain to and by then who one cares about you? Well with a single unitary state owned body you have only one place to complain to and if they try and fob you off, all you need to do is denounce the officials as Traitors To the People’s State and we’ll do the rest! Simple isn’t it?

Then there are the train services. Now we all know that in Britain we just love to complain about the state of the railways. With us you are safe in the knowledge that you will only have one source to complain about. Just remember, it’s not the government’s fault, it’s those idle shirkers who have forgotten their responsibilities to the state!!

Of course, there will be those who might get nervous about these financial markets. You should not concern yourselves! After all economics is all made up as we go along, and if those capitalists can sell bits of financial information with no real pecuniary value and make a profit, then there is nothing stopping us selling the UK as a great place to do business with. They give us the money. We do the job. And we give them their money back when we are good and ready. In the meantime, they’ll know it’s a nation where there will be no disruption, no terrorism and no need for bribes because Everyone here will know How To Behave! They’ll want be associated with a winner like that and so the money flows in and that’s right, down goes the taxes!! (And if they’re good and play by our rules the companies might not have to pay…that much)

Now, of course we have to admit that Stalin himself went right over the top over the Purges, The Gulags, The Midnight Arrests and The Transportations of Entire Peoples. That was really over-thinking the problems, and a subtler hand and a series of Soviet wide sporting events would have achieved just as much. But however, you have to order and responsibility. So with us you can be safe in the knowledge that various disruptive factions will be dealt with.: Those who text during live performances at the theatre, TV Presenters who try to do impressions of well-known comics or re-enactments of famous movie or tv scenes, Film Critics, people who wave at cameras during live news broadcasts, loudmouths in general, people who play loud music without having earphones to name but a few will be having a very tough time. Folk who insist on wearing T-shirts with allegedly humorous slogans will be expected to constantly smile in public, and those who have T-Shirts with statements which apparently allude to philosophical or political states will be stopped by the authorities and expected to make an intelligent statement of no less than five minutes in duration supporting that view. Drunks of course will be locked up and when sober be made to clean up the mess. Criminals? Well if you don’t see them around after a few years, you shouldn’t ask. After all, you don’t want to be seen as supporting criminality, do you?

As for all those political parties which have been clouding the issues and bothering you at election times with oblique and vacuous messages, well we’ll be simplifying the process. There’ll only be us! You will of course have a choice of at least five candidates from the party at each election and be honest everyone that’s as much variety as anyone needs.

There will of course be newspapers, tv and radio programmes. And there will be freedom of choice and expression, but we are aware that many people are boggled by the amount of stuff being churned out, so a great deal of unnecessary opinions and misleading statements will no longer be put out, just so you are able to concentrate on the important issues. For instance, you’ll finally be able to get thorough detailed and concise three hours’ worth of information on the care of those potted plants you’ve been worried about!  

Some will be worried about the surveillance issue. There again we can put your minds at rest. Everyone will have no privacy from the state for everyone is equal, and for the vast majority of you, here is the good news; The State Doesn’t Care. Your private business is not important. All those doing the observation will be selected for their total lack of empathy with the subject, a complete disinterest in any human social activities and a strict adherence to the rule book- yes the very dullest of the public servants will be doing the job! And for those of you who for years have been worrying yourselves as to whether you are being watched, well here is the good news! Yes, now you are! Yep! You can dial up your phone or computer content in the knowledge that at last someone is listening to what you have to say, of course we can’t guarantee that you will be taken seriously, but if you want that sort of attention, remember you have to try a little harder. We never stifle initiative!  

One thing we take very seriously is Intolerance. This will not be tolerated. Folk who display intolerance will be arrested, be sentenced to a mandatory 30 years in prison; their properties will be burnt to the ground which itself will then be levelled over and turned into vegetable patches. All relatives will be placed in custody and examined for intolerant views, children will be placed in the care of the state and told how wicked their parent(s) were. Anything in the way of money or goods left over by the time we’re finished will be sold off and the proceeds passed to the state. Any mention of the guilty person’s name will be a criminal offence. This will show how important Tolerance is.

As for Brexit. That will be dealt with. Rest assured. We know best.

Well, those are just a few of the wonderful and exciting policies which we have on offer, but a vote for us will ensure there will be more, a lot more, so much so that you won’t have time to worry about what those media drenched personalities are up to and why they left the UK in such a hurry

Vote for us!

And we’ll make sure you’ll know it makes sense.

(My name is Of No Concern of Yours, but I can assure you my sock and underwear drawers are tidy and I approve this message*)

Now Is The Time For All Good People To….

 

*Hands up all those I thought I was joking………Othell0-8_2-1924-Jago

…. You’ll never know…..muttley_laughing_by_sektor8bit-d7fv6sh